Loving A Monster
As a trauma survivor, it’s not uncommon to feel a complex mix of emotions towards the person who has caused you harm. Among these emotions, you might even find yourself feeling protective of them. This reaction can be confusing and troubling, but understanding its roots can be a crucial step in your healing journey.
Why Do We Feel Protective?
Emotional Bonds: Trauma often happens in close relationships, like with family, friends, or partners. These relationships involve strong feelings, making it hard to separate the good memories from the hurtful ones. Your mind tries to protect these bonds, leading you to defend the abuser.
Survival Mechanism: When trauma happens over a long time, like in cases of domestic violence or childhood abuse, you might develop ways to cope to stay safe. One way is to feel empathy or protectiveness towards the abuser, which can make you feel more in control.
Guilt and Shame: Trauma can make you feel guilty or ashamed, making you question if you did something wrong. This can make you feel like protecting the abuser is a way to take responsibility and prevent further harm.
Belief in Healing Through Love: Many survivors think their love can change or heal the abuser. This belief often comes from a deep hope for the person to become better and from stories that say love and forgiveness can fix everything.
What Can We Learn from This?
Compassion for Yourself: Understanding these feelings helps you be kind to yourself. Know that these protective feelings are a natural response to trauma and don't mean you are weak or wrong.
Understanding Trauma Bonds: Learning about trauma bonds helps you understand your emotions. Trauma bonds are strong connections formed through cycles of good and bad experiences. Understanding them can help you move towards healthier relationships.
Healing and Growth: By exploring these emotions, you learn more about your needs and patterns. This self-awareness is key to healing and finding better ways to cope and relate to others.
Addressing Distorted Thoughts: Knowing where the belief in healing through love comes from helps you challenge it. Remember, it’s not your job to fix the abuser. Focus on your own healing and well-being.
Seeking Support: Find support from professionals or support groups where you can talk about your feelings. Therapists who understand trauma can help you deal with these emotions and focus on protecting yourself.
Dealing with Protective Feelings: When you feel protective of the abuser, remind yourself of the truth of the situation. Write down the times you were hurt to keep perspective. Surround yourself with supportive people who can help you stay focused on your recovery.
Remember, your feelings are valid. Understanding them is an important part of healing. By exploring these emotions with kindness and support, you can learn valuable lessons about yourself and take steps toward recovery and empowerment.